You know how sometimes you have known something about yourself for years, but you inevitably and continuously get reminded?
For as long as I can remember I have known I don’t settle. I’m not a nester, I don’t stay somewhere with the same people for too long. So much so that when I was 17 and wanted to do the two-year discipleship program at Wildwood my dad told me I wouldn’t finish it, because I couldn’t stay in the same place for two years. Now he says that I “showed him up”.
I have always known that I can’t be someone who looks back. I need to look and move forward.
This is a constant struggle because I’m a deeply sentimental person. Not for things, I could care less about things, but I am a sucker for people. I fall in love with people’s laughs, their quirks, how they act when they’re tired, the way they walk, the way they hug you, the way they talk, their strengths, their weakness, the memories… The memories… The memories.
I dream every night, and sometimes I swear God whispers in my dreams to me of who I am to be. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it makes no sense. But I wake up with this ache for more–as cliché as it may be–to be the change I want to see. I get these feelings often, where I just know I need to move, to be, to create, to change.
It’s moments like that that help me when it stings. When I think about having to form new bonds, having to say goodbye, knowing I’m going to miss out on being in weddings because I’m moving, knowing I’ll miss seeing babies grow up.
I move forward.
I look up.