Why ask why?

Well I guess I should give an update on life. After two weeks of tip-toeing around I finally got connected with Red Eye Inc.

Red Eye. How do I explain Red Eye? Red Eye is why I am in LA. And you all thought it was because of the Dream Center, fooled ya! I kid, I kid. I am here for Red Eye, but interning at the DC is the door God opened for me to come through.

Over a year and a half ago I stumbled upon Red Eye Inc. online, and I haven’t been the same since. Anyone who was in my life then will testify that’s true. My future, my plans, my life, they all changed and I wanted to move to Los Angeles suddenly and be a part of Red Eye. What proceeded this realization were some of the hardest and most confusing months of my life, a year and a half later, here I am.

Remember my post about how coming to LA felt like coming home? That feeling goes even stronger for Red Eye.

This week I attempted a department change, from Corporate Relations to Red Eye. Red Eye is within the Dream Center, it’s its own organization but it’s empowered by the DC. It’s more rare that they assign DC interns to Red Eye but it does happen. I was told the chances of switching out of Corporate Relations were slim. They weren’t kidding. My department head shot me down real quick. For the reason I feared, too. She sees something in me.

Can I just for a moment take a wall down and get something off my chest? I am so very tired of leadership in ministries all over the country telling me how they see something in me, and them wanting to teach me, wanting to round out my edges. I’m thankful, please understand how grateful and blessed I am to have something God put in me recognized and encouraged by others. But the need to stand on my own dreams and visions is growing.

I’m not quite 21-years-old even, I know. I am reminded of this constantly. Something that has blown my mind lately though as I’ve come to know more about the Dream Center is that Matthew Barnett was 20 when he started the Dream Center. Then, it looked like a failure and a mistake, now, we know it is neither a failure nor a mistake.

Someone asked me the other day what my dream is, what I want to do in life and I bombed my answer, I stumbled over my words and it sounded like I didn’t have a clue what my dream is. Which isn’t true at all. I know my heart. I know I have a heart for nearly everyone I meet, every demographic, background, culture. My dream is discipleship, my vision is to do life with people.

Which makes perfect sense why I want to be with Red Eye. Last fall I was working on designing my church in Michigan, The Freedom Center’s, internship program. One day I looked over what I had designed it to be and I realized I had modeled it after everything I knew of Red Eye. That was the day I began to plan, again, to move to LA.

Now I’m here… And I’m in Corporate Relations. For the life of me I cannot understand why. Everyone and their mom has been encouraging me that it’ll be okay, God has a reason. I love encouragement, but I cannot handle one more encouraging word that “I am where I’m supposed to be”. When I discussed a transfer with my department head (who I really like, despite that I dislike the department itself so) she was adamant that I am supposed to be in Corporate Relations, she said I could fight her on it all I want but she’d win. I sat there, my face and mouth saying only, “WHY?” She told me of all the new interns in CR she is most certain about me. She said we would revisit (she emphasized the word “revisit”) the topic of a transfer after event season is done, after the New Year. I laughed and said, “Right, like you’ll be willing to let me go once I actually know what I’m doing.” she laughed too and said, “You never know, I may feel it’s time for you to move on, or you might have a change of heart and want to stay.”

Why? WHY am I trapped in CR when everything I can learn in CR I can learn in Red Eye… Where my heart is.

A couple Fridays ago when we went out with Project Prevention, as we were driving home I got to talking with Matt. Matt and his wife Jessica are interns at the DC, they’re in their 7th month of their 12-month commitment. Talking to Matt I came to find out that he was the pastor of a church back in Switzerland where they’re from. He said God called him clearly to the Dream Center, so they came. They left their home, their country, their church (and not on fantastic terms), they left it all because God said so. I asked Matt, “Do you know why God called you both here?” He said no.

He was the pastor of a church, in Switzerland, they had a home, a life. They left everything… And over halfway through with the internship he still doesn’t know why they left everything to come here. Switzerland is nothing like LA… He can’t exactly take what he’s learning here back to Switzerland. He doesn’t know why they dropped their life to come to the Dream Center, but he doesn’t regret listening to God.

This stunned me on a deep level.

And I am distraught because I’m in CR when even though I’m in CR I can still spend all my off time with Red Eye?

I don’t know why I’m in Corporate Relations. Maybe I never will know why. Who cares? I get to spend all my off time with Red Eye, the organization I’ve dreamt of being with for a year and a half. Besides, God ain’t no fool. I just need to get out of my own way, need to get over myself.

A couple of years ago Carl Jones said to me that one of the most paralyzing things we can do is to ask, “why?”.

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