no pictures, please.

tonight I got home to my little room, no roommates home yet, I laid on my bed and my mind drifted to the conversations I had with my grandparents on the phone earlier. I thought about how my grandma is one of the most insanely stubborn people in the world but also loves people greater than most anyone I know. I thought about how thankful I am to be like her.

then I thought about my mom and how she is by far the strongest woman I’ve ever known. and how her strength is in such a different way than most. her strength is in her grace and patience, both unfathomable.

I thought of my brothers. two of my favorite people ever. I not only love them, I’m honored to call them my brothers. I may be the baby of the family, but I am so very proud of those two.

I thought of my dad. who is a big teddy bear, with a child’s sense of humor. the man taught me so many lessons as a kid that I am just now grasping. I’m also realizing in the way my mom has always seen us as her babies, my dad has always seen what we could become and pushed us toward it.

I then realized I have no pictures of any of them. not one family photo.

in fact, I have no photos of mine here with me in LA, period.

this move to LA was my 8th time moving in 4 years. each time less and less moved with me, each time less and less photos went up, less and less decorating happened. I see girls on my hall who have their walls covered in pictures and memorabilia, which kind of makes me laugh because at the drop of a hat you could be asked to change rooms here.

I am living my dream. I was messaging with my cuz Amyo the other day and she said this, “It’s crazy that just a little while ago you were dreaming about being there and now that you are it’s like everything in you is awake.”

I loved that. I used to miss people all the time. in a way that was sometimes paralyzing. I have no idea when the next time I will see my friends and family, and I don’t really care. I love keeping in touch with who I keep in touch with, but you guys, I am living my dream. I miss people now in a “man, they should come see this life” kind of way. not at all in a “I wish I could visit them” sort of way. if that makes sense.

as much as yes, I really should get some family photos printed or something, I’m glad I don’t have pictures of life before living here. this is life to the full. here is where dreams are coming to life. I am moving in forward motion. and I’ve never been happier.

my heart broke for this city and I loved it before ever setting foot in it. it isn’t culture shock to be here, it’s home.

not even driving in LA scares me.

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