You guys, I have cried more in the last week than I have in a long time.
I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement recently about what an inspiration I am. Which makes me wonder. I personally am most inspired by honest, raw, humanity. When people are just people. And I tend to think my writing never quite reaches that. Maybe it does, maybe I’m just being hard on myself. But I wanted to have a moment of raw humanity with you all.
I just moved into the upstairs part of a duplex in Los Angeles that I live in with three other girls that I really don’t know. I feel completely alone in a city of 20 million. I don’t yet have a job. When I think about paying rent I start to breathe pretty rapidly. I bought a car with all my cash yesterday morning and it’s now sitting in my parking spot, unregistered, unlicensed, uninsured because I bought the car with all my money. I’ve hardly eaten in a couple days because again, I just bought a car with my money. (Calm down, mom, I have tuna and nutella.)
I can’t speak to my family on the phone without crying because I miss them so much. I miss them so much I can’t type that sentence without tears coming to my eyes.
I’ve genuinely never felt so alone or frightened in my life. And please don’t come at me with “God is with you.” yep, He sure is. And it’s the only reason I’m still functioning. But honestly, you try being in my situation and lets see how you do. Sorry, tiny rant over…
But this evening I had a moment. A reminder if you will.
I read a lot of books, I watch a lot of movies, I love stories. And I have always known I am the main character of a story, this story, my story. Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror or a window and I’ll see what everyone sees when they look at me and I get this weird assurance that I can do whatever I set out to do. I’m the main character in my story. And the main character’s story is always worth telling.
As I sit in my empty room with suitcases still unpacked, on my makeshift bed that is a small stack of blankets because I don’t have a bed, I think to myself that this is a chapter in the story.
I think sometimes we look at moments in our lives and think “this is the moment before the moment”. No, it’s the moment. It’s all the moment. You can’t start and stop your life story, it’s continuous.
So embrace it, and make it worth sharing.