I cannot remember the last time I had a good laugh.
That thought popped into my head yesterday afternoon out of no where. Just now, I sat down to write a post, and once again I thought about how I can’t remember the last time I had a good laugh. Honestly, what else is there to write about?
I could tell you a myriad of things going on in my life right now, but somehow to me the most important seems to be my need for a real laugh.
I was driving today and in my mind I saw that part play in my head from The Secret Life of Bees, when Lily sprays June with the hose then June goes to attack her and both she and Lily fall over laughing, and suddenly June begins to cry. Little Lily takes her hand, and is just there with her as she cries.
That scene has stuck with me since I read it several years ago. When I read the book I was young and saw myself in a lot of ways as Lily: young, lost, searching for something, something safe. As I have grown up and continued to see this scene play in my mind’s eye from time to time I have come to realize how much more I am like June: strong, stubborn, obstinate, but when it comes to being raw, she (and I) are very soft, and often heartbroken.
Right now I am heartbroken, and I have lost myself.
I say these statements openly, partly because my twitter and facebook are currently deactivated so there will be much less people reading this post. And partly, because admitting where you are is the first step in changing things.
I don’t know how I got here, but I am June, lying on the ground on a beautiful day crying in a moment of honest emotion.
So many people have been telling me why I am where I am, why I’m heartbroken in this moment, attempting to reach out to me from their conclusions. But they’re wrong in their assumptions. And it is mine to figure out.