This past week I had the privilege of visiting with and hugging some of the dearest people in the world, some of my oldest and closest friends. And one of the main questionaire/topics that arose was about my love life–or, ahem, lack there of. I said to multiple people that I think I am currently one of the most single minded people out there. I ain’t lookin’ for it, I just don’t want it right now.
But after seeing lots of married friends, engaged friends, suuuuper new coupled friends, and lots of cute babies I began thinking… Not about relationships per say, as I said, nooo thank you. But I just thought for the millionth time in my life how I do not want to settle. It’s why I’ve nearly entirely avoided dating, you see people around you make foolish decisions enough that you choose to avoid making the same foolish decisions.
I feel though that I have good standards and good sense. I feel I’m looking for what’s good when it comes to attaching yourself to someone for the rest of your life. So I’ve decided to share some of what I am looking for…
I slim it down to three things: He needs to make me feel loved, he needs to make me feel special, he needs to make me feel safe.
Now, to elaborate…
Make me feel loved: The desire to be loved and to love is one of our deepest instincts, a deep need within us. That amazing song line from Nat King Cole (or in my world, from Moulin Rouge) “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”. It rings so true.
I’m a woman who is full of love, I’m really protective and motherly, I love deeply regardless of that love being requited. It is perhaps one of my best and worst traits. It’s what will make me an amazing adoptive mother, and it is the reason I have been walked on.
My man will make me feel loved, more than fuzzy feelings, I will know I am loved by him. I’m not going to sit here and type up silly expectations and hopes of how he’ll make me feel loved, I’m not that girl. I will say however that I am a girl who reads an awful lot of books and there are six words that shoot straight to my heart that I desire of my man, the way he looks at her. I want the way he looks at to be obvious to anyone who sees it that he loves me and not them. ;)
Make me feel special: Why is this different than loved? I think in my inmost being I am all too aware that while love is one of the happiest, joyous feelings, it can also be a sometimes incredibly difficult and complicated reality. When I think of love I think of the way I felt when my Detroit girls cried in my arms, or I think of the frozen feeling in my gut when I realized I was in love for the first time. To me, love is real love in the hardest moments.
So aside from love, I want to feel special. There are a whole lot of stunning girls in this world. I, like most, struggle to not compare myself to others. But it happens. My man will make me feel special. As Rihanna put it, “Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world, like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love, like I’m the only one who knows your heart”. I mean, Rih prob ain’t who I should be taking relationship advice from–too soon, still? Anyway, girl got those lyrics dead on.
Make me feel safe: I have not been safe on many occasions in my life. I have been hurt. I come with scars. We all do. My man will not be my savior, I have One already. I am not looking for someone to complete me. Marriage is not 1/2 + 1/2 = 1 it is 1 x 1 = 1 it will be real rough otherwise.
When I say safe, I mean… I mean things like in The Village, taking that black box off the shelf and opening it and being safe to discuss what’s inside. And remember that part in The Vow when they both got mad in her art studio and he says to her, “We don’t speak to each other like this!” Such a random part in the movie, but it struck my heart. To have a relationship where you don’t take your frustrations out on each other, where you don’t yell at each other, where nobody storms away in tears. Where you are safe with them. I will be safe with my man.
I hope you noticed how I didn’t say “I want” or “I hope” but I said “I will“, this is the man I will have. I didn’t list his height, hair color, ethnicity, eye color, whether or not he’ll have tattoos… Because I don’t care. Do I have some more specifics I’m looking for? Sure, but this is my blog, not a dating site.
Look for who is good through and through, and who is good to the ones around them.
Have expectations, and do not lower them.
Learn what love is before you search for it.