Last night I found myself sitting on the floor, in the midst of cleaning my room, just crying. Through a series of spontaneous decisions I backed myself into a corner and started to feel a lot of things I haven’t felt in a long time: fear, desperation, loneliness.
God bless my roommate for attempting to talk to me in that moment because she forced me to say four little words I needed to say, “It will be okay.”
As soon as I said them I began to believe them. Sounds stupid, sounds cheesy, sounds cosmic. Sounds like reality. I was sitting on my floor feeling scared and unsure, when instead of feeding into those feelings I just needed to believe it would all work out. When I started believing it would work out that belief began to trump the insecurities.
A week or so ago, one of my best friends from high school posted something about her boyfriend (and what is Facebook really about if not seeing your old high school friends relationships/kids/etc.?). I then did a little bit of mild Facebook stalking on her boyfriend. My friend and I have lived in different states for several years and I haven’t seen each other in a few years so we’re a bit behind on each other’s lives. Though, there was only so much I could see of his Facebook since he and I aren’t friends.
But, I was able to see an entire photo album dedicated to the adoption of two twin baby girls that his parents adopted. The album told the story from start to finish. Photos of the adult brothers being told by their parents that they were getting two new infant siblings–each of them with tear stains down their faces, the process of getting the babies, the welcoming to the family. Photos of everyone snuggling the infant girls. It was one of the most precious things I’ve ever seen and it was so impossibly random that I found it.
I texted my friend what I’d found while Facebook stalking her boyfriend and she told me a little more about his family and the girls, sent me a picture of the babies, a few months old now.
To be honest, I fell to pieces. I sat on my couch, holding my phone and cried. Then, for the first time in months. My heart hears stories of adoption and it just wells up until it overflows.
Last night, when I was sitting on my floor crying out of uncertainty and fear I actually thought back to that moment a couple of weeks ago when I was crying over something WONDERFUL. I thought to myself, I am so tired of crying over sucky stuff. So done with crying over fear, or feeling like I am alone. I feel like I have spent probably years of my life crying over depressing things and the tears are no good. I did more good in a moment by verbally saying, “It will be okay.” than I did by years of crying.
So I’ve reached a conclusion in all of this.
I want to save my tear for the wonder.