What are you looking for?

For some reason, I have been asked a lot lately what I’m looking for in my future husband. A lot. Like, maybe two dozen times thus far in 2014 have I had this conversation… That’s a lot…

The interesting thing is, each time I answer the question I get more sick of answering the question. Not because I think it’s a stupid question or not worth discussing. Today even, for the second time THIS WEEK, I found myself answering again what I’m looking for in my husband. Once I answered it I wished I hadn’t even said anything.

So I thought to myself on my way home from work this evening why this question has begun to get under my skin. Turns out it’s a really simple answer, it’s because I know what I want. I’m a very black and white person. (Though, I had to admit to myself awhile back that not everything is always black and white.)

I know what I want. To the level where I almost find it not worth talking about, though I’ve mentioned it before.

I’ve had these conversations with people about what they’re looking for in a spouse where they get this twinkle in their eyes and their voice grows so hopeful you would think they are sensing this ideal person is around the corner coming for them as we speak.

I almost envy that.

Years ago I sat in front of a guy friend I was falling very much in love with as he told me about the girl he was going to ask to coffee. My world stopped. My heart became tightly squeezed in a vice that didn’t release it for far too long.

Now, years later, I have come to realize what a deep insecurity I have formed from that moment. I feel like every guy I like is about to tell me about another girl they’re interested in that is not me. It’s only recently dawned on me how deep that fear goes.

When you’re part of a good community and everyone loves you and wants what’s best for you, you receive a lot of, “If he doesn’t like you, he’s crazy!”, “Obviously, there’s someone way better for you!”, amongst others. These are 98% wholly annoying and 2% slightly comforting. Realizing this insecurity has brought me to a place a reevaluating my identity and recalling my worth, what I know of me not just what people who love me will say. In general I would say I’m not an insecure person. I know who I am, I’m okay with who I am. But this one little thorn in my side can sting pretty good.

I’m not counting on a man to reverse this insecurity for me. But I am believing I will be the girl that gets asked out for coffee, not the one who hears about the girl worthy of a coffee date.

So, I know who I am and I know what I’m looking for. I can tell you on repeat what I want, what I won’t be settling for, and why I won’t be settling. Though I’d rather just show you in the way I live my life.

 

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